About 20 years ago, I experienced something that profoundly changed my life. Through counseling, confronting painful experiences from my past, and participating in a freedom ministry, I began discovering what it meant to live free from debilitating and destructive mindsets that had unconsciously controlled me for years.
But that freedom didn’t mean I never struggled again.
Over the years, there were moments when I stumbled, failed, and made choices I deeply regretted. These moments were also followed by confession to those invested in my journey, repentance demonstrated over time, and an ongoing, intentional pursuit of greater freedom.
There’s a significant difference between experiencing freedom and living without ever failing.
I see an interesting picture of this in Israel’s exodus from Egypt. When God delivered the Israelites from slavery, they were genuinely free. Yet leaving Egypt didn’t immediately change their entrenched thinking, legitimate fears, or learned desires. Shortly after their deliverance and facing the frightening prospect of starvation, they began remembering the abundance they’d enjoyed in Egypt (Exodus 16.2–3). They also conveniently forgot what those provisions cost them (Numbers 11.4–6).
Eventually, when faced with overwhelming circumstances, they began discussing appointing a leader to take them back to Egypt (Numbers 14.1–4).
Notice the progression. They went from remembering what they missed, to longing for what they’d left behind, to seriously considering returning to the very place that had enslaved them. But here’s the distinction: Wanting to return to Egypt didn’t mean they were already slaves again. They were still free, even while struggling with thoughts and desires shaped by their former captivity. In fact, even if they had turned around and begun walking back, they would still have been free. Each step would have brought them closer to slavery, but they wouldn’t have become slaves again until they actually returned and submitted to their former master.
However, to be fair, a growing desire to return to a destructive life isn’t harmless. What begins as dissatisfaction can develop into a willingness to surrender freedom. And I think this distinction matters in recovery.
Sobriety describes the absence of a destructive behavior. Freedom, however, involves something deeper. It’s about no longer living under the authority of what once controlled us. That doesn’t mean temptation disappears or that failure is inconsequential. Nor does it mean we’re incapable of surrendering our freedom and returning to destructive patterns.
An individual failure doesn’t necessarily erase the freedom we’ve experienced. But repeatedly choosing to return to what once enslaved us can eventually lead us back into bondage.
The Israelites were delivered from Egypt, but they still needed to learn how to live as free people.
And perhaps that’s an important part of our journey as well: learning to recognize when we’re struggling to live in freedom — and when we’re beginning to surrender it.
My time in recovery over the past year has brought one important question to the forefront of my mind: Am I continuing to cultivate a life of freedom, or am I making concessions and justifications that are gradually leading me back to the very things that once controlled me?
With hope,
Nathan
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