In my last post, I wrote about how consequences can create an opportunity for someone to come to themselves, but they cannot force someone to change.
The rebellious son in Jesus’ story, in Luke 15, still had to see where he was, acknowledge what he had done, get up, and go home.
But what about the father?
He didn’t chase his son into the distant country and try to rescue him from the consequences of his choices. He allowed his son to experience where those choices would take him.
But when his son came to himself and returned home, the father also didn’t decide he hadn’t suffered enough either. He didn’t reject him out of pain; he didn’t send him back to the pigpen; and he didn’t make him prove his repentance before extending forgiveness and reconciliation.
The father allowed the consequences to be enough.
That leaves me with an uncomfortable challenge (especially when it comes to my parenting): Do I allow consequences to create an opportunity for the other person to come to themselves without trying to force them there?
I think that question challenges two very different responses I am prone to embrace: “I love them, so I don’t want them to hurt. Maybe I can protect them from this consequence.” And: “They need to feel the weight of this more before they deserve reconciliation and forgiveness.”
I’m learning that neither response necessarily reflects grace.
In my own failure, grace didn’t mean protecting me from the truth coming into the light. Exposure was painful, but my healing and wholeness demanded it.
Grace also didn’t mean protecting me from the consequences of the trust I had broken. Boundaries and relationships changed in ways that were deeply uncomfortable for me, but I understood they were necessary and appropriate. Grace didn’t require additional suffering just to make sure I “knew what I did was wrong”.
Grace gave me what was necessary within the consequences, with the hope that I would respond in a healthier way. And that’s how I’m learning to understand grace: intentional attention, help, and support intended to guide someone toward healthier ways of thinking and living.
Grace doesn’t eliminate consequences. But it also doesn’t make someone suffer just for the sake of suffering. The hope is that consequences provide an opportunity for them to see clearly, take responsibility, and begin making healthier choices.
As I continue exploring what I’ve experienced in this journey with recovery culture and Christian culture, there’s a larger question I have been asking myself: How does the language I am learning inform what I can expect from, and how does it inform my response to, a person who is struggling?
I’m not interested in simply finding better definitions or pointing out where I perceive either culture gets something wrong. I’m hoping for something more useful to living in relational health and wholeness: Clarity that produces greater grace in my life toward myself and others.
With hope,
Nathan
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