As far back as I can remember, I’ve measured success by things I never actually had control over. For example, I’ve entered uncomfortable conversations believing someone would understand me, respond differently, or make a particular decision. When that didn’t happen, disappointment would quickly turn into discouragement, eventually leaving me feeling powerless.
And when I feel powerless, my tendency isn’t to try harder. It’s to withdraw, disengage, or mentally and emotionally check out.
But I’ve been learning the difference between outcome-based goals and action-based goals.
I can’t control whether someone understands me, how they respond, or whether they change. Those are outcomes.
What I can control is my participation — preparing well, communicating honestly, listening carefully, staying engaged, and establishing healthy boundaries when necessary. Those are actions.
The outcome still matters, and disappointment is still a possibility. But an unwanted outcome doesn’t necessarily mean I’ve failed. Sometimes success is simply recognizing that I’ve faithfully done what was mine to do, while allowing others to take responsibility for their choices.
When I am tempted with disappointment or discouragement, I’m beginning to ask myself: Am I measuring success by an outcome I can’t control, or by how faithfully I’ve participated in what is actually my responsibility?
With hope,
Nathan
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