I’ve been learning that there’s a significant difference between establishing a healthy boundary and trying to punish someone for their behavior.
For a long time, I struggled with this distinction. I sometimes felt that setting a boundary meant rejecting someone, being unkind, or trying to control what they did. So I would often tolerate things that weren’t healthy rather than risk upsetting someone.
But I’ve discovered that a healthy boundary isn’t about controlling or punishing someone else. It’s about taking responsibility for how I choose to participate in a relationship. Sometimes that means saying no, limiting someone’s access to my life, or allowing them to experience the consequences of their own choices rather than trying to rescue them. Other times, it means remaining in the relationship while being honest about what I will and won’t participate in.
The distinction I’ve been learning is that punishment seeks to make someone pay for their choices, while a healthy boundary establishes what I’m willing to do in response to those choices.
To help me distinguish my motive in how I respond, I ask myself: Am I establishing this boundary to take responsibility for my own choices and well-being (recognizing what is within my control), or am I trying to control or punish someone else’s behavior (usually revealing an unresolved hurt inside me)?
With hope,
Nathan
CLICK TO SUBSCRIBE
